Holy frijole, Batman.

The last several months since I’ve posted have been insane in the membrane. It’s all a blur. I hardly remember them, just like I hardly remember most of last year. And that tunnel we all collectively fell into at the start of the pandemic? It’s barely starting to show it’s light at the end.

I feel like I’ve been underground for a hundred years and am blinking in the sunlight trying to figure out where in the h-e-double-hockey-sticks I am.

“Is that… is that another person? Oh, a building! Is that a store? With things I can touch and purchase using my hands? Oh, look! More people! Doing people things! Do I say something out loud to them? With words?”

And then when I try to say something, all that comes out is lyrics to songs from Blippi or Paw Patrol because that is all that played in my underground quarantine world.

I feel like a husk. And not just because I’m now a Nebraska resident (ha). But for real, I am more exhausted than I’ve ever been in my life. I’m sure many of you parents and caretakers can relate.

Parenting through this pandemic was kind of like that time I signed up for the 2013 Austin 1/2 Marathon to impress my then-boyfriend (he is now my husband, so maybe it worked). I had no business running a 1/2 marathon – I have a bad knee, I’m shaped like a light bulb, and also, I hate running. But I signed up, kind of trained, and showed up to the race.

As I looked at my fellow racers, I noticed they fell into a couple of categories:

1. Super athletes who get high on racing. They are so in shape that their muscles have muscles. They are never not prepared to race. They have little stretchy fanny packs full of energy gummies, homemade jerky and anti-chafing balm.
2. People who enjoy running and do marathons with friends for fun. They wear tutus and wigs, and tote portable speakers playing pump-up jams the whole race.
3. People who run for their health, and use marathons as a way to force them to train. They are there, but they’d rather be home on the couch.
4. People who hate running, but are doing it to show off or because a friend coerced them into being a running buddy. They’re probably not stretching, and they’re definitely not wearing the right shoes.

Fast forward to today, we can translate those racer categories into Covid-Coping categories, and there is a lot of overlap:

1. Super humans who get high on the challenges of quarantining. They are so good at coping, that their coping skills have coping skills. They were prepared for a pandemic back when bird flu was just starting out. They never ran out of toilet paper.
2. People who are Type A personalities who like to organize and plan ahead. These people used their quarantine to learn French, fine hone their bread making skills, and repaint the entire house.
3. People who follow all the CDC recommendations, but are fine just watching Netflix and keeping all social obligations virtual.
4. People who were already overwhelmed with life, don’t handle stress well and WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T LEAVE MY HOUSE?! ALL OF MY COPING MECHANISMS ARE EXTERNAL!

For both groups, I definitely fall somewhere between #2 and #4, depending on the day.

Don’t get me wrong – I am so grateful to God that things aren’t worse than they are for my family. Yes, we’re stressed beyond reason, but I know it could be so much worse. But it’s okay to be grateful for what you have and still acknowledge your struggles.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that despite my struggles, I’m still here, still keepin’ on. I’m just not writing as much, but I hope to start writing more now that I’m working part-time. (Cuz that means I have a few hours each week at my computer with no one climbing on me, spilling milk on my keyboard, or sneezing on my screen.) So maybe, just maybe, I’ll have more posts for you soon.