I am a Catholic, female, 3rd generation Mexican American, married mother of 3 in her 30’s. I speak English and limited Spanish and ASL. I am the oldest child of divorced parents. I have dealt with mild OCD, depression and generalized anxiety disorder since late childhood. I developed PTSD in my 20’s. I experienced 1 miscarriage and 3 high-risk pregnancies, resulting in premature babies who all had NICU stays.

Some of the traits listed above appeal to potential therapy clients. Some of the traits above do not appeal to potential therapy clients. I don’t take it personally – choosing a therapist is a very specific, intentional and personal process. You’re allowed to take the time to find a good fit.

But finding the right therapist can be difficult, for different reasons. For example, it can be really hard to:

1. Find a therapist in your area that is easy to get to with your specific mode of transportation.
2. Find a therapist that speaks your native language.
3. Find a therapist that takes your insurance or is affordable out of pocket.
4. Find a therapist with the specific training in your area of need.
5. Find a therapist with availability that works with your schedule.

Once you go through all of those hurdles, then you make phone calls or write emails, and then you actually make an appointment. Just getting in the door can be a long and frustrating process.

And then, a few days ago, I stumbled upon an online discussion about barriers to counseling that people of color experience. Many of the barriers were those listed above. But the ones that cut me to the core, were the ones where therapists were culturally insensitive, committed microaggressions, or were downright racist.

For some people of color, the barrier to counseling is a fear of therapists being racist.

I was gutted. A therapist is supposed to create a safe, accepting, nurturing environment. A therapist is supposed to understand when no one else can. A therapist is supposed to heal. A therapist should not be a racist! They never should have received a license.

And I know, I know – the fact that I didn’t have to *think* about a therapist being racist, is because I have my dad’s pale skin. My Hispanic heritage flies under the radar, while I stay oblivious to the barriers that POC experience daily. I’m so sorry.

It kills me when I hear about therapists hurting people. That should never ever happen. EVER. It’s not fair, it’s not okay. We see people at their most vulnerable, and that is such a precious gift, such an amazing offering of trust. To hurt someone in that state is so vile and betrays everything that counseling is about.

So if you’ve been hurt by a therapist, I want to validate that. That is terrible and awful and should never have happened. It never should have happened. You made the brave decision to improve your mental health, and you should have been met with acceptance, compassion, and unconditional positive regard. I’m so sorry you were betrayed. I’m sorry they brought you more pain and sorrow.

I really and truly hope that you’ll try another therapist, even though you shouldn’t have to go through more work to do so. I know it’s not fair that you have to fire the bad one and start over. And I understand if you need a break first. Take your time. Write about it. Think about it. Think about what traits would make you feel safer with a therapist – do you think it would help if they were your age, sex, religion or shared your cultural experiences? Go with that. That’s OKAY. I am not offended when a client chooses another therapist over me because that therapist has traits or training that makes them feel more confident about therapy.

If you can’t find a therapist with those traits, pick one with a good website that shares a little about their process. A good therapist should be able to create a safe, nurturing environment even if they don’t share the same traits or life experiences as you. If you’re afraid they won’t be able to understand you because of your differences, tell them that in the first phone consult or session. Again, a good therapist will help you process that to determine if you guys can make a good team anyway.

Remember – a therapist is working FOR YOU. You, the client, are the employer. The therapist is not some all-knowing guru who calls the shots and bosses the client around. The client has the right at ANY TIME to discontinue seeing a therapist for ANY REASON.

Here are some good reasons to leave your therapist:

1. If your therapist breaks the law (obvi).
2. If your therapist falls asleep often during session.
3. If your therapist talks more than you during sessions.
4. If your therapist gives you terrible life advice, or any advice without first listening well and making an effort to see things from your perspective.
5. If your therapist commits a microaggression against you.
6. If your therapist mocks your religion.
7. If your therapist mocks anything about your life, really.
8. If your therapist doesn’t make you feel safe.
9. If your therapist doesn’t work hard to understand your experiences through your eyes.
10. If your therapist makes racist, sexist, or phobic comments.

If your therapist breaks the law, abuses you in any way, makes sexist, racist or phobic comments, you can and should report them to their licensing board. Every state has one – just Google “professional counseling licensing board state of [your state]”. Most licensing board websites have a link on the homepage for reporting a complaint.

If you have the ability to choose from multiple therapists, please please please, shop around! Most states don’t allow you to see more than one therapist at a time (there are some exceptions*), so by “shop” I mean have a few sessions with a therapist and if it doesn’t feel right, tell the therapist*, and move on to another. A good therapist won’t take this personally – we know how important it is to find someone you really click with. That’s how you’ll make the most progress.

If you don’t have the ability to choose from multiple therapists (for example, you’re getting one in an agency or live in a small town), then check out the therapist for a few sessions. If they don’t fit, speak with the agency supervisor to see if they can find you referrals to another agency or even online counseling.

The bottom line: No therapist should EVER make you feel less than. No therapist should EVER make racist or sexist comments. Find a therapist that makes you feel safe, that makes you feel seen and heard, and fire the ones that don’t.

*This can get nuanced, so I will address this in another post.

Psychobabble Key

Unconditional positive regard: when the therapist accepts and loves the client for who they are, where they are, no matter if the person does something wrong or makes a mistake.